Cameras .... Shoo... oott Me
Mama's crews positioned me to sit on the studio’s couch last night, put a microphone up my shirt, and pointed the two cameras at me. Tito, behind camera One, gave me the instruction, “Mrs. Arsya, I want you to start by looking directly into my camera. Then half way through your twenty minutes, I want you to look at camera Two, and right before you are ready to wrap it up, I want you to look back at camera One. When you are done, look directly into the camera and smile for five seconds. OK? Ready?”
Ready, are you shittin’ me? Crap! Can I really do this? All I knew in that moment, was that there was no WAY IN HELL, I was going to remember to switch cameras, and that there was no way I had twenty minutes of material to talk about.
But, I also knew, and I could not deny, that I was here because I had invited myself, and it was MY time, right NOW (both literally and metaphysically)! I took a deep, deep breath, looked into camera One and out came, "Hello, my name is Rey Diannova and last May my life was changed forever. I remember the moment, late at night, I was inspired, motivated and moved, literally moved to the kitchen table at 1:00 in the morning. Frantically writing with pages flying off the tablet, I wrote down the words for an article, prose, poem, parable, whatever you might call it, but I call it PHIL (Precious Heart and Immortal Love!"
And so it started, this message - I spoke directly to women, to empower them to stand in their truth, their light, to tap into their personal power….. and then it happened, my nightmare. (PHIL! is so personal and the power of that moment, speaking it out loud, well, the well of emotions got stirred up). My voice cracked and I started crying – not that pretty cry with one single tear rolling down your cheek, no, that ugly cry where your face gets all distorted. I was horrified, and yet no one came to my rescue, and I knew I couldn’t continue like this, so I stopped. I said “Cut?” isn’t that what one says when they are on camera and need a do over?
I don’t know if Tito stopped the camera, but he told me it was alright, just to catch my breath and pick it up where I left off. Surprisingly, I remembered just where I had stopped. "Take TWO," Tito said, and with his fingers counting down from five, I picked it up right where I left it off. My chest hurt, it burned as I tried to keep my emotions inside of me, my voice cracked and sputtered. With much determination, I pushed through it. With every swallow, I forced down a tear that was trying to creep up. I stared deeply into the eye of camera One, and just as I knew I would, I totally forgot about camera Two.
Somehow, someway, I came to the end, and I stared into the camera with a false smile plastered on my face for those 5 requested seconds. It took Tito a few seconds to realize I was done, because I had only gone for seven minutes (yes, 7 minutes, not twenty!). He mouthed to me, are you done? I pleasantly nodded, yes, I sure as hell am!
Those five seconds, were horrific. I sat there listening to an inner dialogue of which I hope to never hear from again. Those five seconds of staring into the camera, knowing I would need to do it all over again and knowing I didn’t have a single emotion left in me to even try - felt intense, filled with disappointment, and the sick, sick feeling of failure. It consumed me.
When Tito gave me the signal that the five seconds were over, I finally could breathe, something I hadn't done for those seven painful minutes. I released my gaze at the camera and focused on my knees. Well, Rey, at least now you know, you know that you were not meant to do this, you tried, you failed, you can now go home. I wanted to throw up.
A small audience had stayed to watch, maybe six people, and they started clapping. I could hear them, I thought it was sweet, they had clapped for everyone that had gone before me. But out of the corner of my eye, I saw Vino on camera Two, the camera I chose to ignore, dramatically flopping his arms backwards and I heard him yell, “That’s IT! You Nailed It!!! That’s the Money Shot we’ve been looking for all day!” I raised my head slowly to look at him; did he not see how horrible I was? Behind him, I could see my sister Athree dancing in her stocking feet, arms in the air, hooting it up. Next to her, Mama was crying, wiping mascara from her cheeks. She came up to me and gave me a huge hug, “You did it. I am so proud of you!” she said.
To this day, to be really honest, I don’t know what they saw or heard or experienced, I have not seen the sponsor promo bit, and I am not sure I want to. I do know this though, I couldn’t have been, or done, or behaved any differently. I was as authentic and honest as I have ever been about anything I have ever done, EVER! And if I can’t learn to embrace the feminine inside of me, the side of me that needs to cry when she speaks truth and taps into her genuine self, then how in the hell can I even begin to ask it out of others. That moment, that was my PHIL! Despite the fear, the tears, the shaky voice, I did it anyway. Perhaps they could see all that, I am just now figuring it out for myself.
And you know what, I think it mattered. I think it mattered that I wasn’t rehearsed, or polished, or professional. I think it mattered that I was me, just plain me, doing something out of her comfort zone, and without even being aware, I shined.
And you know what? You can too! You have it within you to shine when you have convinced yourself that you are so unworthy of such light. Within each of us is this power to be who we are meant to be. To tap into the power of the feminine (women and men) and let our emotions show our truth, guide us to speak it, even when our voice shakes and quakes, people will listen, they will learn, and they will be altered. They will throw their hands back as yell, “You did it!” or they will dance in their stocking feet and celebrate with you, or they will grab you, weeping tears right along with you and say, “Good job, I am so proud of you!”
It is all possible, I am living, breathing, freaking out proof of it!!
Can You Really Do This?
Hell, Yes You CAN!!!
Ready, are you shittin’ me? Crap! Can I really do this? All I knew in that moment, was that there was no WAY IN HELL, I was going to remember to switch cameras, and that there was no way I had twenty minutes of material to talk about.
But, I also knew, and I could not deny, that I was here because I had invited myself, and it was MY time, right NOW (both literally and metaphysically)! I took a deep, deep breath, looked into camera One and out came, "Hello, my name is Rey Diannova and last May my life was changed forever. I remember the moment, late at night, I was inspired, motivated and moved, literally moved to the kitchen table at 1:00 in the morning. Frantically writing with pages flying off the tablet, I wrote down the words for an article, prose, poem, parable, whatever you might call it, but I call it PHIL (Precious Heart and Immortal Love!"
And so it started, this message - I spoke directly to women, to empower them to stand in their truth, their light, to tap into their personal power….. and then it happened, my nightmare. (PHIL! is so personal and the power of that moment, speaking it out loud, well, the well of emotions got stirred up). My voice cracked and I started crying – not that pretty cry with one single tear rolling down your cheek, no, that ugly cry where your face gets all distorted. I was horrified, and yet no one came to my rescue, and I knew I couldn’t continue like this, so I stopped. I said “Cut?” isn’t that what one says when they are on camera and need a do over?
I don’t know if Tito stopped the camera, but he told me it was alright, just to catch my breath and pick it up where I left off. Surprisingly, I remembered just where I had stopped. "Take TWO," Tito said, and with his fingers counting down from five, I picked it up right where I left it off. My chest hurt, it burned as I tried to keep my emotions inside of me, my voice cracked and sputtered. With much determination, I pushed through it. With every swallow, I forced down a tear that was trying to creep up. I stared deeply into the eye of camera One, and just as I knew I would, I totally forgot about camera Two.
Somehow, someway, I came to the end, and I stared into the camera with a false smile plastered on my face for those 5 requested seconds. It took Tito a few seconds to realize I was done, because I had only gone for seven minutes (yes, 7 minutes, not twenty!). He mouthed to me, are you done? I pleasantly nodded, yes, I sure as hell am!
Those five seconds, were horrific. I sat there listening to an inner dialogue of which I hope to never hear from again. Those five seconds of staring into the camera, knowing I would need to do it all over again and knowing I didn’t have a single emotion left in me to even try - felt intense, filled with disappointment, and the sick, sick feeling of failure. It consumed me.
When Tito gave me the signal that the five seconds were over, I finally could breathe, something I hadn't done for those seven painful minutes. I released my gaze at the camera and focused on my knees. Well, Rey, at least now you know, you know that you were not meant to do this, you tried, you failed, you can now go home. I wanted to throw up.
A small audience had stayed to watch, maybe six people, and they started clapping. I could hear them, I thought it was sweet, they had clapped for everyone that had gone before me. But out of the corner of my eye, I saw Vino on camera Two, the camera I chose to ignore, dramatically flopping his arms backwards and I heard him yell, “That’s IT! You Nailed It!!! That’s the Money Shot we’ve been looking for all day!” I raised my head slowly to look at him; did he not see how horrible I was? Behind him, I could see my sister Athree dancing in her stocking feet, arms in the air, hooting it up. Next to her, Mama was crying, wiping mascara from her cheeks. She came up to me and gave me a huge hug, “You did it. I am so proud of you!” she said.
To this day, to be really honest, I don’t know what they saw or heard or experienced, I have not seen the sponsor promo bit, and I am not sure I want to. I do know this though, I couldn’t have been, or done, or behaved any differently. I was as authentic and honest as I have ever been about anything I have ever done, EVER! And if I can’t learn to embrace the feminine inside of me, the side of me that needs to cry when she speaks truth and taps into her genuine self, then how in the hell can I even begin to ask it out of others. That moment, that was my PHIL! Despite the fear, the tears, the shaky voice, I did it anyway. Perhaps they could see all that, I am just now figuring it out for myself.
And you know what, I think it mattered. I think it mattered that I wasn’t rehearsed, or polished, or professional. I think it mattered that I was me, just plain me, doing something out of her comfort zone, and without even being aware, I shined.
And you know what? You can too! You have it within you to shine when you have convinced yourself that you are so unworthy of such light. Within each of us is this power to be who we are meant to be. To tap into the power of the feminine (women and men) and let our emotions show our truth, guide us to speak it, even when our voice shakes and quakes, people will listen, they will learn, and they will be altered. They will throw their hands back as yell, “You did it!” or they will dance in their stocking feet and celebrate with you, or they will grab you, weeping tears right along with you and say, “Good job, I am so proud of you!”
It is all possible, I am living, breathing, freaking out proof of it!!
Can You Really Do This?
Hell, Yes You CAN!!!
Comments
Post a Comment