I need MY MAN

I realize that I need my man with me, when it's time to say goodbye. When other navy wives are watching, I can be strong. When I know there are tiny people counting on me to keep it together….I keep it together. It’s a good system and we have made it work repeatedly.

The goodbye at the beginning of the deployment was perfect. Little people kept my emotions in check, a swift drop off at the car in the parking lot left no room for long drawn out goodbyes. Some families chose to go in with their soldiers, waiting till the buses came, till the last possible second, and I don’t judge them for that. It’s just not how I prefer to do things, because my Motherly-Outward-Appearance-of-Steel only holds up for brief periods of time.

All of the above is why the goodbye yesterday morning was less than ideal and more difficult than usual. There were no little people to focus on, to be strong for. Just the pain in my own heart to focus on. There were two planes to catch, his and then mine, so there could be no quick drop-off goodbye. Then his flight was delayed, which only gave us even more time for me to sit with my head on his shoulder, clinging to his sleeve and trying to keep the hysterical, desperate sobbing at bay. Biting my tongue so I wouldn’t scream something stupid and pointless like “I CANT DO THIS PLEASE DON’T GO!” Counting his heartbeats and inhaling his smell and tracing the lines of his face with my fingers. Trying to keep the urge to vomit at bay when the nice gate lady says its time to start boarding his plane. Having to let go when he says "I'll see you really soon, ok?" and watching until he disappears down the jetway after blowing me just one more kiss. Locking myself in a bathroom stall for twenty minutes after his plane takes off to try and collect myself but failing miserably, resigning myself to sit for a couple of hours in the terminal with my puffy eyes and red nose and tear-stained face and strangers staring until my own plane boards.

See why I prefer the curb-side drop off?

I had a friend this morning say on my facebook “Remember the blessing that he was there for you! Doesn’t take the pain away, but try and remember the blessing!” I don’t think there is a better way to say it. Having him here, when we needed him so desperately, was a great and unexpected blessing. The last two weeks built us up, restored our family, and were absolutely a priceless gift. Putting him on a plane to go back to Tanjung Pinang breaks my heart in a way that I don’t know I will ever be able to adequately verbalize, but it does not take away at all from the beauty of having our family together the last two weeks.